Now Where Was I?

Oh, yeah. Fuck Grant Miller. No, wait. Before that. Hmmm....

Am I an alcoholic if I drink a quarter barrel instead of a quarter pint? No...

That's not it... Hmmm...

Is this thing on? Thump. Thump.

Something....mini Cooper... no...

Best Things That Ever Happened To You - I quit writing this blog! Ha! No...

Fuck Grant Miller?

Dear Makers of Enzyte, Vol I

I recently experienced an erection lasting more than four hours. I did exactly as you said and called my doctor. It is now three days later and she is refusing to get out of my bed. What should I do?

Yours Truly,

Echo

So What Happened?

So there I was having spent countless hours practicing the things I'd learned from The Secret standing in front of Mt. Hood readying myself to throw it into the sea. That was when the gentlemen from NOAA showed up and informed me - after I had already lifted the fucker - that if I tossed Mt. Hood into the ocean I would create a Tsunami event that would destroy the United States, most of China, and parts of the world south of the equator.

I relented and placed Mt. Hood back carefully. They should write songs of my feats of strength. Feel free to write one in the comments. 10 pts if you include the phrase *Chocolate Rain*...

Oh, and who tipped off NOAA? I'm guessing that rat-f&%#er, [Redacted].

Lost Blogs...

I know this will be a shock to most of you, but I wasn't around much this summer... year.... anyway. Sometimes you just run out of juice. Thankfully, there are folks like Flannery Alderaideraan, Tenacious S, and that ratfucker [Redacted] to fill the void while some of us wander through the wilderness.

Looking at my blogroll I resolved that I would accomplish two things in this next run of posts: 1) I would clean up my blogroll - saying goodbye to blogs that have left the building so to speak. 2) I would update my blogroll with blogs I enjoy. There are 3! Yes, 3 things I would do! 1) Say goodbye to dead blogs. 2) Add blogs I like and 3) Help launch Mt. Hood into the ocean on Sept 16! So, as I contemplated which blogs I would add (Beckeye, Evil Genius, Skyler's Dad...etc), I clicked through to see what's up.

This was when I discovered that a blog I enjoyed had disappeared during my time in the wilderness. Not only that, but it now covers all three items above. Frying Bacon In The Nude was going to be added to my blogroll - It's a blog I like...er, liked. Like the Next Great Genius, Big Orange just vanished.

I apologize to those of you I've neglected this year. I would like to announce that I will avenge Big Orange by personally and singularly throwing Mt Hood into the fucking ocean on Sunday! You hear me, Mt Hood? Big Orange is nowhere to be found and you, my friendly pile of rock are supremely and utterly fucked! Sunday. Behind the monkey bars, bitch! Bring a camera, my friends, for you will want to capture me smiting Mt Hood's ass!!! I will begin Sunday by ritually frying bacon in the nude...

UPDATE: I was recently in communication with that a$$hole, [Redacted], who stated that he thought my goal was impossible. Well, Mr. Miller, apparently you've never read *The Secret*. If you had, you wouldn't be such a whiny, doubting little shit.... I've been visualizing like a muthaflipper, and come Sunday I'm throwing that muthaflippin' mountain into the muthaflippin' ocean... So, who's with me? Tonight! We sail! Landerhaven! Ho!

Animal Tazers

I need one of these for when I go running and that mini-dobie comes after me each f---ing time. Okay. I'm just kidding. Really. No. Wait. I'm not. I hate that evil Mini-dobie that bit me twice. I'd totally tazer her ass... Except that I'm a lover not a fighter... So, I wouldn't tazer her... But I'd think about it...

Or maybe it would just be a good punishment for those who abuse animals. Right?

Oh, and Ms. Mini-dobie? If you're reading this? Let me point out that humans are animals too, and you find it sport to chase and bite me. Technically, you're abusing an animal - me. So, I wouldn't get all excited just yet about me limiting it to animal abusers....

What If Your Real Name Was Your Porn Name???

Bam Bam's teacher had me in stitches last night.

When I was a kid I can remember my teachers saying something that would crack me up. It was always some childish double entendre. Cheeks bursting into shades of purple, I fought to keep my laughter inside of me only to have said teacher repeat the word in a different, funnier context.

So, here I am with Mrs. Echo sitting around the parents of other children in his class trying not to laugh as Mrs. Wiley-Jones talks about her helper, Mrs. Beaver.

Mrs. Wiley-Jones: I don't know where I'd be without Mrs. Beaver. She just brings me so much joy. Some days I feel like I can't get enough of Mrs. Beaver's help. The only way to fully appreciate Mrs. Beaver is to see her working up close and personal.

At first, Mrs. Echo and her professorial bad self did not find my reaction amusing, but as Mrs. Wiley-Jones went on and on I dragged Mrs. Echo into my sixth circle of hell.

Echo: What do you think *Mrs. Beaver's* first name is?
Mrs. Echo: Lickma?

And there it was. Purple faced. Unable to breathe. Tears starting to form at the insides of my eyes.

Echo: What do you think her porn name is?
Mrs. Echo: Helen Kuklawalski...

That was when I had to excuse myself and fein a choking fit... I can't wait to get to know Mrs. Beaver....

Best. Post. Ever.

Not here, if that's what you're asking. Wonderturtle presented us with the greatest post ever. Sadly, it's been neglected. I demand that this post get some love in the comments like such as I-raqis and US Americans might want.... Besides, how many great vibrator posts are really out there???

Wonderturtle also asks if what we buy at the grocery when presented on the conveyor says something to others about us and whether or not we judge others based on this criteria. To Onderway Urtle-tay I say: Only if it involves magazines, astro-glide and a cactus....

One Minute Music Reviews With Mrs. Echo

Echo: Man, the Distillers fucking rock!

Mrs Echo: Yeah... Sounds like someone screaming a high schooler's poem over some crap music.

This One Minute Music Review With Mrs. Echo is brought to you by The Unofficial.... I can't believe she trashed a classic...

Attention GEWs FOR GESUS: Honorary Memberships

Okay. So, I realize I'm a day late and a dollar short on this one, but I feel we GEWs should extend to Miss South Carolina an invitation to join our illustrious organization. What could be more GEWish than inventing a new turn of phrase - "like such as"? We've never conferred upon anyone an honorary membership into our community that believes we are always right and has the forethought to change the rules of grammar and language as is necessary. We are Grammar and English Warriors, right? Like such as?

I mean, really. When we were kids we said all kinds of stupid shit. Our answers to educators, community leaders, and members of the clergy were often ridiculous, fraught with inconsistency and bullshit, and uncomfortable to say the least. Miss TEEN South Carolina is just a kid. She did what many of us would have done under the harsh glare of the television lights and millions of people wanting to hear what we have to say about solving the world's problems while making sure our breasts are perky and out there. It's unfortunate that this occurred on national television and that the question had to do with the education system that seems to be sub-par. She apparently has a good sense of humor about this and like such as I believe for that alone she should have won the competition.

Go forward, GEWS, and use *like such as* in at least one entry each day this week as a means of welcoming Miss Teen USA into our loving GEWish family... like such as... the I-raqis... um... and, uh... And write about the time you said something you wish you could take back because of the stupidity of it all... My mental collapse in front of an audience of college students will be posted shortly like such as... for our children.

(No pageant contestants were harmed in the writing of this blog entry...)